December 14, 2023
Dearest Henry,
What is with the human instinct to punish? Is that what I did with you this morning? I feel a ‘no’ and I trust that, but that doesn’t mean that was your experience. And your experience matters to me.
I was frustrated and felt helpless and I wanted you to know why. For future reference. To help you learn. Did I come on too strong?
In response you punished yourself, calling yourself stupid, and now I can feel me punishing myself. I don’t want to allow myself to have a good morning now when all I wanted was for you to learn the difference between taking your time and wasting someone else’s.
Taking your time is an important part of life that people in general could practice. We rush around getting things done — or perhaps doing things without ever actually getting anything done — without realizing how much of the pressure is elected. We bypass the point of life as well as the joy in mundane moments when we are living life by that default. But this can become a romanticized notion and can be used disrespectfully by disregarding someone else’s time and effort.
Taking our time is only sometimes the priority. We have to be aware of the forethought and effort people have to exert for things to run smoothly for us. We have to pay attention to our surroundings and the people in them and their distinct emotional lives because when we carelessly take our time we can waste theirs.
The difference between taking your time and wasting someone else’s is that taking your time implies presence. Wasting another’s time may appear similar but you do so mindlessly. You disregard your environment and the demands of your day in the name of doing what you want.
There we are. That was the perspective I was waiting for: I wasted our time this morning, too.
I wasted our time by giving myself ten extra minutes in bed even though I knew we were already getting up late. I wasted our time by not getting you up before I got in the shower. I wasted our time by soaking in the hot water even though I said I was going to quickly wash my hair and get out.
If you remember this, I hope you remember that I said miscommunication and disappointment happened but that the moment is over now. This won’t change the fact that you get to have fun with your friends at school. It doesn’t change that I will be here when you are done school to get you and ask about your day. It doesn’t change us having a good night tonight.
I hope you also remember that I got in the backseat with you and mused about how people punish themselves to show another that they care and how that isn’t needed. You show me you care by giving me your presence. I hope you remember my presence, too. I hope you remember our hug. And, if you remember my frustration, I hope you remember my appreciation, too.
Love you in the face of everything,
Mom
